Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Peer Review

Peer Review for Meg Shamburger Lori Mears


Your first transition from narrative to research works but perhaps you could break it off and give the section a title like the articles Professor Malesh gave us (just a suggestion. The way you have still flows well). The reader clearly understands how Bryant feels but is left unclear about how you feel about it. Possibly add some more peronsal feelings or opinions to make it a more persuasive argument. You don't necessarily have to use first person, just ad some of your opinion more than Bryant's. For instance, in your seventh paragraph after the first sentence you could possibly add why this criticism is good or bad since we are allowed to insert some opinion.
I like the part when all the students ask for help, have a question, need Ms. Bryant to come over for a moment, etc. This made the reader understand that teachers truly are overworked, underpaid, and further more don't have time to really teach, they intead have to cram for the SOLS. This is only a handicap on the teachers. Again, at the end of the tenth paragraph, we understand how Bryant feels but the reader isn't sure how you feel as a writer as much. "The problem arises from not expecting greatness, but rather out of setting high standards and providing no support" – this quote in the eleventh paragraph is a very strong statement – it shows you opinion clearly and sums up the major problem of the No Child Left Behind act very nicely.
The personal touches – you sitting with Bryant surrounded by scraps of construction paper – nice imagery. That paragraph really seems to tie in narrative and research areas well. On the whole I think your paper is very well written and I don't think you are as off track as you said. I clearly understood your point and expect for a few transition elements, the flow is fluid. You mentioned some of your major problems was making it sound too "researchy" and except for a few places, I really didn't get that impression at all. I was impressed with the organization of the paper as well and think you are on the right track.

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